First Gen Diasporan

I am who I am

That is complex

Who I say I am

That is complex too

But you

Really don't understand

The complexity

Of being free

To create your own space

Where color and race is erased

Simply because that's all that matters to you

I don't racialize myself

Simply because my melanin speaks for itself

#teamchocolate in winter and #teamdarkchocolate in summer

Sun kissed rays say I am a child of my Bantu ancestors

Although some would fight me for that

I'm not Black, I'm African, they say

I'm not really Ugandan, I'm American, they claim

However, I eat kawunga and Hot Flamins with nacho cheese the same

I know of hood snow cones, sandwich bags of tootsies, Tootsie Rolls and lindazi equally

My heart beats are covered with Afrigo, Franco et le TP OK Jazz, Kaskade and Boyz II Men equally

I am an immigrant kid

My parents flew thousands of miles for college and opportunity

So I sound all Midwestern with an African upbringing

My name holds a few stories

And the weight of Baganda legacy

Yet you fight me for my culture

My experiences

My identity

My roots

I am multicultural

Your basic understanding will not limit me

I reject that

So I find solace

In the space

I have created for myself

To be free

Culturally

To be me.

Wordy Silence

-To Baidy
You ask me how I feel about you
And it silences me
It always catches me off guard
Maybe because
All this time
I have been struggling
To tell you how I feel
It hurts me
How feelings flow off your lips
That you are so sure about me
Even more sure than I am about myself
It hurts me
To be vulnerable
To even write this
But I owe you
You deserve this
So I type
Through the pain in my heart
You have no idea
How much
I want to say
I love you
But I am stubborn
And unsure
My head is fighting my heart
And I want to be sure
Just as sure as you
But my eyes are so blinded
That they only see you
My heart is so full
It can only feel you
My mind is so full
It plays back memories
Of when we are together
All the moments
Conversations
And texts
You make feel cherished
Protected
Cared for
Loved
Your gentleness
Calms me
And stops me in my tracks
You don't have to shout for me or at me
You call quietly
And I have no choice but to come to you
So you ask me how I feel about you
Then there is silence
It is filled with all these words

Gray Promise

My mind can't make sense of this
So I gotta write what's on my heart
Call my world a snow globe
Because you took it in your hands and shook
Who knew how far a smile, a voice, some words could go?
I don't whether I could hug you or shake you
Can't choose between yelling and staying angrily silent
Out of distrust of my words
I'm the kinda girl
Who always dreamed of love
But hated how it felt
Awkward to the core
Just like me
I'm on an emotional overload
Feeling are waves on the shore
As I stand on the beach
Hoping a riptide won't pull me under
And never let me go
Somehow I must learn to trust you
To trust me
But I make it hard
I tend to be guard-ed
Because the sensitive don't live
And the vulnerable always die
But I
Have to be stronger than my emotions
And smarter than my fears
Whether a beautiful promise
Or a gilded nightmare
Either way I have lived

Bare (4/30b)

It’s hard for me

To pretend

I have no poker face

To see me

Is to know my thoughts

My feelings

Reeling

From the masks that we all wear

I have no patience for facade

Blame the only child life

It’s not right

TO waste time pretend

Or to conform

The norm is passé

I’m blasé to what path I’m not follow

The only thing that I have to prove

To the world

Is that I’m special

Whether crazy special or unique special

Is irrelevant

I have suffered many blows

In multicultural society

For my nonconformity

Maturing to the point

Where I appear

Expecting a fight

It’s all right

That my name is different

That I bring paperbacks to Ugandan functions

That I consider myself a womanist

A Pan African

A thinker

A creator

A poetess

That I create my own limits

I am who I am

And that’s all I have time to be

Sistah, You're Beautiful (4/30a)

I only say this to you

Because I am feeling radical

Although I should not be

I never realized

That being yourself was radical

I never understood

How love has become radicalized

But some things just are

Just are and incapable of being understood

I should

Be working to dismantle a system

But it is much more effective

To dismantle mental barriers

Our own thoughts rule us

Better than The Man ever could

So I build you up

Even when Mister, Miss and Brothaman

Tear you down

Long hair

Short hair

Wavy, curly kinky hair

Brazilian stitch

African braid

Every color

Every shade

Hijabi

Baptist

Questioning

Straight road or rainbow

Know

That

You are beautiful

It is your right

It is your inheritance

It is yours

Silk Blindfold

Privilege blinds

When non-melanated voices

Clamor about rioting in Baltimore streets

Prefaced by silence about Freddie Grey

The terrorist attack in Garissa, Kenya

And the kidnapping of the Chibok girls by Boko Haram

Are mere blips on the radar

While Charlie Hebdo gets primetime

I don’t have to wonder

Why #BlackLivesMatter

Because

They only matter most to other Black lives

Black on Black crime is the same as White on White Crime

Yet only one has a term

It’s easier to kill your neighbor next door

Who looks like you

Than to go cross town and shot a stranger

Privilege blinds

Some have the audacity and stupidity

To talk about race

To talk about being colored

To talk about being Black

When they have a choice

Of being English Irish French German Italian Danish

Or just plain ol vanilla white

What else can I be other than Black?

What else can I be other than Ugandan American?

I know as much about being White

As some do about being Black

I know what they say about assumptions

So to avoid making an ass out of you and me

I keep quiet

I observe

I listen

Privilege blinds

Even to the fact that one is blinded

One has the capacity to create what is satisfactory

Eschewing all that goes against the perfect picture

Before the laws, the practices, the regulations

Society holds up White supremacy with our minds

Society supports it with our thoughts

Because when a form of protest

Becomes more problematic

Than issue that is being protested

And no solutions are given

Then what are we seeing?

Where is the clarity?

We are so far gone

In a surreal post racial experience

As some frolic with happiness

They never notice

That they are dancing on graves

Crush

My heart does what it wants

It doesn’t listen to my mind

My mind knows who he is

But my heart refuses to be swayed

I want to be the right one

The One

One of these days

Because he could be that for me

Easily

I could listen to him forever

Accents do something to me

I’m so international

We joke

We laugh

His smile

His whole smile is a thing of beauty

I can admit I’m smitten

I just want to give feeling

Time

To take root

To grow

J’espere

He still cares

When this flower

Is in full bloom

I Wanna Be

Invincible

Stronger than my body

Royal

Respect my divinity

Human

My family should not be shot like animals

Worthy

Why must my life turn into a hashtag

A movement?

Why do I have to assert my significance?

I have always mattered

Loved

Tired of being guarded

He could give me what I need

If only I ask for it

Better

Because I can

I am

Quiet (4/26)

My mama is retired

After thirty odd years

Of working for The Man

He has given her freedom papers

So as she sleeps

I rise

The diligent worker bee I am

Getting things ready

For another workday

For another work week

I think of the future

Which helps me with

The lack of free time

Me time

A few moments

Snatched here & there

I have yet to reach

My full potential

Anyway

Duties are calling me

Break (4/25)

So easily I think I’m invincible

But I am only a woman

A mere mortal

I need rest

I need love

Both are within my reach

I have to wear myself down

Be open

Be honest

What I want

What I need

Is within my reach

Sometimes I have to break

To come back together

Stronger

Better

Longer

Friday (4/24)

Check cleared

Week’s end

Good time?

It depends

Energy high

BS low

What are you saying?

I gotta go

Working hard

Oh so chill

Today would be everyday

If it was my will

The Chase

I stop

Wait

Hesitate

Move slowly and quietly

Maybe if I am undetected

I can sneak up on Happy

Happy comes and goes freely

Just as we get close

It slips away

And Calm runs right after it

I quit

And decide to take a seat

I am tired

And my breaths are short

I sit quietly

Tuning out the world

As I sit

 I think

About the tornadoes

I have stood through

The storms I have weathered

Then I look to my left and right

To see Happy and Calm sitting

On either side of me

I sigh deeply

And sit

Professional Rollercoaster (4/22)

Sometimes I wake up on top of the world

And return to bed and wonder

What happened?

My good intentions were innocent

Why were they slaughtered so mercilessly?

Too tired of fighting for calm

Tired of fighting for peace

Tired of fighting to do my job

This poem is an afterthought

Retrospect 

Weekday (4/21)

Up ready to face the world

It’s waiting for me

I know what I gotta do

Do you?

Bills can’t wait foreva

So I neva

Sleep too long

Time’s getting gone

After a weekend of rest

My only request

Is that I get paid in full.

I Get High

I get high, high, high

I get high, high, highI get high off the memories…
I get high, high, high
I get high off the memories

I remember when I was a person

Biology had failed me in my humanity

I was barely 3/5ths of a person

Before my brothers were given their 40%

And I became American

Then I could vote

But I still wasn’t a big somebody

I wasn’t a man

I wasn’t White

I get high off my own supply

My nappy hair

My Z Snap

My anger

My tendencies to be grammatically incorrect

My ghetto and my ratchét

Even though the pusha man

Sells my supply at a premium

Thinking it belongs to all y’all

NAW FAM

THIS MINE

I remember not being beautiful

Trying to buy it with Ambi Bleach and Nadinola

Trying to relax all the ugly out of my hair

Buying blue and green contacts

Just so I can see beauty

And others could see beauty when they see me

Working so hard to be straight

Because who likes curves?

I am high

Elevated to a whole ‘nother level

Looking down on white Feminism

Part of me wants to shout,

“The air is better up here!”

My colored sisters look at me and laugh

They understand that our level isn’t for everyone

Some intersect

And others run parallel

The womanist air is too sharp for some

I just sigh and lay back on a cloud

I get high, high, high

I get high, high, high,

I get high, high, high
I get high, high, high, high, high…

Bionic

Forget it

I’m not human

But I’m super

Twist hair at the speed of a flying bullet

I gets it done

I am THE ONE

The only

I take care of business

Even that you didn’t know of

I got that work

I keep you in amazement and awe

How did she do that?

I make the difficult look easy

And the impossible possible

I am more than mere flesh and bones

I am an idea

Something like a dream

Elegant like a queen

Shiny like the real thing

I glitter because I am gold

14 carats straight from the heart

My strength is not measured

In pounds or kilos

I am my own force of nature

I don’t chase storms

Storms chase me

To capture my perseverance in action

Satisfaction

In being stronger than the average bear

Yogi knows

I am emotional steel

A unique alloy

Worthy (4/18)

Of less pain

Of no pain at all

Of freedom from suffering

Of deep breaths

Of restful sleep

Of feelings

Of sadness

Of life

I am.

Yes To The Dress (4/17)

I was broken
I was pain
Holding on to the pieces for dear life
Sunlight was my kryptonite
I decided then that this day was for me
I watched shows on the DVR
I crocheted 
I did me
It was time to get out of my muu muu 
Find clothes to wear 
But I decided to wear a casual dress 
To greet the sweet 75° outdoors 
So I closet shopped 
Each dress saying,
"MUKISA! You have arrived!"
So I say yes
To loving my appearance 
To loving myself 

And to relax

Quilt

You look at me

And you see

The pretty colors

Arranged for your viewing pleasure

Yet you silently wonder

How I do it

No one sees the thread loosen

The binding get weak

The shape get slack

As fabric beings to peel back

I retreat to my dark solace

And let time unwind me

Until I am an unfeeling pile of scraps

Trying to get rest

No interest

In besting anyone

For that is an energy bill I can’t afford

Trying to catch my breath siting still

Willing myself to respect limits

So as the sun rises

The day brightens

My stitched up scraps

Pop brightly again

Halfway through

I can see it

I have made it quite a ways

I have so far to go

I know that I will get there

But it will take all of me

Sleepless nights

Painful days

Stress reactions in ym body

I have come too far to turn back

For in retreat I would have covered the full distance

Sometimes you have to know when to say when

And when to press on

I have faith

Which will carry me

Banana

I don’t talk about this much

Simply because

People don’t understand

And they judge out of their blissful ignorance

You have never been overweight

A day in your life

Yet you try to chide for taking the “easy way” out

Are you sure?

I think it’s much easier to be a smaller size

And to never be discriminated or bullied

Because of numbers on a scale

To have better choices for fashion

To be able to ride all the rollercoasters

To be comfortable with the lap belts in an airplane

But my opinion doesn’t count because I’m fat, right?

Even if I was to wear “fat” as a badge of pride,

It would irk you that I am starting to discard it

Working hard to shed your label

And break your box

Because I’m clever like a fox

I know that your mouth of knives

Is powered by a furnace of insecurity

All you have left to build yourself up

Is to try and tear me down

So go head

Talk about my looks

If it helps you sleep at night

Because my looks can and will change

But…what about you?

Ulcers (4/13)

What is it?

Because calmness doesn’t stay here long

I am fond of

Just calling it quits

Because despite my best interest

My best efforts

And my best intentions

Dysfunction still reigns

And we are his loyal subjects

What is it?

Why are you calling my name?

Is there something wrong?

What is wrong?

Because I have never been summoned for something right

It makes me endeavor to change my name

To stay out of sight

To be inconspicuous is always the goal

I can keep my head down and be busy

What is it?

An announcement?

I hope it is nothing bad

Another tactic to enslave e me

To the needs of this company

Giving time I can’t afford

That is WAY more precious than time and a half

Oh, whew.

Change in procedure.

Never mind.

Spirit Peace (4/12)

Quiet      

Peace

Peace be with you

And with your spirit

That always confused me, until now

I always thought

Just saying, “Peace be with you”

Like before covered it all

It was easy, it flowed

I suppose that peace in your spirit is more permanent

We humans are hell bent

 On being fickle creatures

Featured

On every news headline and magazine

Posing on the scene

 For the love of money and the money of love

Never seeking peace

Or understanding our restlessness

But I understand that spirit

Is the anchor of us all

So if the crashing waves try to wash me away

My peace has me still