Hadiya Pendleton

You got me wondering
How many more good ones gotta die
You got me asking
How many more families have to cry
You got me pleading
How many more young people won't grow old
Before we end this?

Because I don't know you
But I know goodness
I know intelligence
I know potential
All of that is shining in your face
Now I can't help but wonder
Sadly about the woman you would have been
The positive impact
You would have left
With the rest of your life

Now all I have
All we have
Is regret and sob stories
I hate the fact
That your precious bright life
Is used now
To paint a dark story
About gun violence here in Chicago
About being in the wrong place at the wrong time

As much as I want to get angry
About the foul stories
About my fair city
About my home
I only have to think of you
And the hot winds of anger
Are blown out of my sails

I am sorry
So sorry
That you couldn't live
I am sorry
Someone foolishly took your life
And I am sorry
That we couldn't keep you
That we couldn't save you

Cruel Sickness

There are times
Where I feel
On top of the world
Like I can do anything
My body can do anything
Almost invicible
Then
There are these times
Times when
Things are just hard
Breathing is hard
Walking is hard
Living is hard
Comfort is hard
All off of a cold
I wonder
Why germs have to be so cruel
Why of all people
Me
Why of all times
Now
In less than 24 hours
I am to turn the tassel
Highlighting my achievements
Instead I am to graduate
With snot in my nose
And fever in my body
The cruelty
And irony
Of sickness
With impending events
Just overwhelms me

Absentee Friendship

Maybe it's
easier for me
to be silent
to live in the now
to pretend we aren't friends
because what good
would it do me
to reminisce
to wonder where we went
wrong
i know that
it was nothing i did
because i know you
would state your offense
what good
would it do me
to ask you
what the hell is this
when days go by
without even a simple hi
it makes me wonder
what kinda friends
you think we are
that this silence is normal
no kinda friends
if you ask me
but you have to talk to me
to ask me
silence is all i have now
peppered with a few words
a text maybe
a reply to my initiation
of conversation
i never expected to continue
maybe a comment here
or there on facebook
so i wonder
what's left
in between
the texts
written words
and silence
most of me
finds that it is so easy
to call it quits
to quit this
whatever this is
it is so much easier sometimes
to just pull the plug
on this comatose friendship
than to sit at its bedside
and watch it struggle
unconsciously
i don't know
where you are at
or who you're with
when you read this
if you read this
know that this
is where i stand
since you cannot even
see me standing here
know these words
are on my heart
even if i can never say them to you

Cold

Cold
Cold like
The warmth of your hand on my skin
Like the silence between us
Between friends
Like the wind chill
Warming up
Isn't as simple
As slipping under my covers
And rolling around
Putting my dad's wool socks on
Warming up
Isn't as simple as
Talking to you
Texting you
Doing my part of this friendship
But I wish it was

I used to think
That it was me
Sickle cell trait
Only child
Fall baby
I was meant to be cold
Warmth wasn't something
That came naturally to me
It was something I had to learn
To try hard at
As I grow though
It is quite the opposite
I was always warm
Subtly warm
Quietly warm
The world
And those in it
Have taught me coldness
Have brought on the chill
Stealing my warmth
Since it travels from a warm body
To a cold body

So I guess now
My question is
Where are my insulators?

Brand New

Yes I am
Brand new
Like Js out the box
Like a shiny new key
Right in a shiny new lock
I whip my hair back & forth
Riding round out south & up north

Brand new
Like the glasses on my face
Like the smile on my face
Not out of place
Because I'm feeling good
Feeling good, feeling great
Feeling great, feeling good
How are you?

Friend

It hurts
To see you hurting
As much as we banter
I feel no satisfaction
To see you worry
To see you down
As much as I curse
I will always be around
Can your lady friend say the same?
I know you worship at her throne
Like she is the queen of your kingdom
But she doesn't know all of you
The real you
The you that I know
So
As much I want your happiness
I want it to be pure happiness
Unqualified
Unconditional
Just
Happiness

Body

This
Is
Not a sex symbol
Not a weapon of mass seduction
Not right now anyway
It
Is
A prison
Rolls of fat
Disguised as thickness
Become bars
Trapping me
Weighing me down
Like an anchor
So many places I want to go
Although
I can in my mind
But this
Stays here

So Thorough

I feel like
I know my worth
I feel like
A man
Would be blessed
To have this woman on his team
By his side
On his arm
I don't feel like
I am being arrogant
I know me
I know I am a woman of God
I am His child
Made in His image
So therefore
If God finds me worthy
A man will find me worthy
Of love, commitment, affection
And attention
Be intrigued by me
Want to get to know me
And show me
Himself
Then we could be our best selves together
Whether the weather
Is foul or fair
Truly I don't much care
What he looks like
As long as he treats me right
Because I am
So thorough

Chameleon

My home is a chameleon
it can warm
and welcoming
but like long high heat
blowing on my skin
it leaves me restless
I bang on the window
thirsty for my own legacy
hungry for my own spot in the world
I am not a daughter
I am Mukisa
I am an adult
not yet fully grown
but yearning for the knock
of opportunity
to grow
growing pains are a bish
even more so when
growing is stunted
by sweet lies
about the freedom of growth

Distance

It was so easy
to run away
pack up all my stuff
for the lawn
where the grass
was so verdant and beautiful

It was so easy
to be fed up
to be completely through
to admit and accept failure
to try and start anew

It was so easy
It WAS so easy
until I came back
into the heart of it
the thick of it
the grit of it

I realized
I can't say when
when business is unfinished
when I love my home
when I can see change on the horizon
like the sun right before dawn

So I put on
my big girl pants
and decide
this is not it
I am not done
and if it takes
my last breath
you could say I tried
they could say I tried
I could say I tried
God could say I tried

To be bigger
to be smaller
to be wiser
to be stronger
to be weaker
to be quiet
to be loud
to be pensive
to be silly
to be my best

Journey

As I look around me
places and spaces filled will clutter
laziness creeping in
worries be still
thing will
be dealt with
I have a plan
whether it takes 5 hours
or 5 days
things will be done
order will be restored
just wait
have faith
that
my body has not failed me
I just need to
take my sweet time.

Of Home

Home is
much more
than a building to me
it is peace
peace of mind
security
I can lay my head down
rest my crown
no need to ponder
the plethora of problems
outside my door
the urge to be atlas' daughter
and carry the weight of the world
is no longer existent

Home is unity
coming together
as a person
as a family
to eat
to love
to pray
to be
seems like
there aren't
many homes anymore
just houses
with addresses
with people
in and out
living separately
housemates

But I will be
the lone hold out
I will be
the home keeper
I will
advocate
preserve
build
homes
because
without a home
without my homes
I would be nowhere
no one
and nothing

so I ask you
where is your home?

Thy Will

Is this crazy?
I can see myself
Being a good wife
But I know not my husband
I can see myself
Being a good mother
But my children are strangers
I can see myself
In stewardship to a good home
Possessing a mysterious address
Well Lord
Thy kingdom come
Thy will be done.

peace

Peace/I wonder where you are/These days/You only live in my heart/It's hard/Not to vacation in a house of cards/When the outside looks so stable/Am I able/to not mention/the air thickened by tension/when my intuition is an extension/of myself.
Maybe I /should pack up and go/just keep going down the road/ until I find peace

things I learned in 2013

for donté partee & ntozake shange

As I sit here
1/1/2013
I am compelled to look back
at facts
gained in 2012
1stly
 Idk shit
 the little I know is nuthin
 even some of that little
 got chipped away
2ndly
 I am nobody
 nobody compared to
 the somebody I thought I was
 I am only somebody with Him
3rdly
 I am His child
 nothing I do will change that
 I am worthy
 worthy to be made in His image
 worthy of life
 worthy of love
 worthy of a good man
 who accepts & challenges me
 at the same damn
4thly
 my life is mine
 my choices are mine
 my breaths are mine
 it is time
 to take care
 to take responsibility
to take MFing action
5thly
 change is inevitable
 change can't be stopped
 I must stay on top
 I make changes
 changes Don't make me
 or change me.
welcome 2013
let's do this.