Wednesday, December 3, 2014

The Embodiment of Fear

Fear is not an emotion
Not anymore
It's not something to shame me
Fear is being born a girl
It's being born melanated
Fear is Mike, Tamir, Trayvon, Aiyana, Renisha, Sean, Jordan and others
It is validating my existence with every breath
Fear is the kinks and curls of my every strand of hair
Fear is pulling down my skirt and pulling up my pants to be "respectable"
It's keeping my mouth ladylike and clean
Fear is rape culture
Normalizing harassment and catcalling
Fear is the seed of courage
And courage is living another day

Sign Off (originally written 11/22/14)

I guess this is my last goodbye
My last hurrah
It feels so surreal yet feels so real
I really don't know how else to feel
'Cause I been at the end of my rope for so long
It feels strange now that I don't have to hold on
But I hold on to the fact that I did my best
So many times my endurance was put to the best
After living a life exhausted, it's time for me to rest
I'm resigned to my resignation
I accept the condemnation and denigration
Of my name
For the actions that I've chose
But nobody really knows
How hard my road is to hoe
I've snatched up and let go
And now I'm glad to say it's over
My sorries are a little bit hollow
Memories seem to follow
Like all the days I spent curled up in bed
Covers pulled way up over my head
Because I couldn't bear to see the sun
Pain stopping me in my tracks
I have no plans of attack
Because I'm hit the hardest in what I need most
And I suppose that I'm supposed
To be sad, sorry and repentant
But I gave it all my best
And it wasn't good enough
So I end it all today

Working Stiff (originally written 11/5/14)

I am so tired of being tired
Wishing to wake up in beams of light
That convert to energy so I might
Rise glorious and victorious
Knowing that I can make a change in my life
Now I'm growing accustomed to struggle and strife
Having to always prioritize
Which obligation is more important
Because I can't
Do it all
Gridlocked with my frustration
Bumpers much closer than rush hour traffic on 294
Thinking that I want much more
Than giving 2 hours of my life daily
For a 50 mile commute
To work for a hourly wage
The quiet rage
Burns inside me, knowing that
It'll take so many years for $1 raise
But just in case
The powers are on my case
I document here my chase
Of the almighty digital dollar
If I had the personal energy to holler
At my personal state of affairs
I would
But for now
I wait to catch my last breath
To exit

Which (originally written 10/30/14)

I'm on the edge, looking down
Up to the sky or down to the ground
Because I'm one more weight from falling
And I'm one less weight from flying
Mama says to just spread my wings
But gravity pulls down everything
Straight faced, but I'm one more tear from crying
I'm just one more joke to smiling
It's easy for me to pretend
That I can make it to the very end
But I'm one more hope to winning
One more choke to beginning
The end
I could be a sail or an anchor
So which way will it be?

E-Feelings (originally written 7/5/14)

I'm just a few words on your smartphone screen
Good for a few laughs
Something like a dream
No, more like an illusion
Trying to talk myself out of this confusion
That my mind seems to create
Every time I see a picture of your face
And the sad thing is
I'm not naive
I wholeheartedly don't believe
In this fantastic happy place
That I have built
So I'm waiting fro the wrecking crew of reality
To tear this bitch down
Because unfortunately
I don't have the heart.