Dear Uganda

It's sad that I have write this
Because I try so hard not to worry about what I can't change
Because the things I can already drive me insane
But these thoughts keep racking my brain
So I have no choice, but to put them down.

Do you know the world is watching?
As so many millions of people
Put their hearts into their hands
And take a stand,
Do you know the world is watching?

People want a choice
They choose to make a change
They have had more than my lifetime
Of the same
Underfunded hospitals
Infrastructure a mess
And then trying to support a different candidate
Causes some "political unrest"

People from bordering countries are talking
About election money they've collected
Reporters getting jailed
For filming hospitals that are neglected
And I wonder
What all this is for?
Because it is not for the citizens of Uganda
Not for my aunties and uncles
Not for my cousins

My worry radiates from 7,000 miles away
And I wonder what will greet me the next time I get to Entebbe
And I wonder who
As time goes and who knows who will vote
I hope for better
But my heart aches for worse

If You Are Reading This

If you are reading this,

This is because I'm tired of waiting

Waiting for the right moment to say this to you

But instead I am kept

Teetering on the precipice of expectation

See sawing between the heights of exhilaration and the abyss of disappointment

See your occasional text, call or voicemail was the ointment

That soothed my irritated nerves

But like a steroid taken too long

I have rebound pain

I refuse to let you fill my empty spaces with longing

I reject the idea of the idea of you shattering the quiet peace that was my solace

So I ask you

What is it?

What is it that cancels out your amorous feelings for me?

What is it that demands your silence since your physical distance is normal?

What it is though?

Because what this is is unacceptable

Non sustainable

I'm tired of the same shit every day

So I'm off the toilet and out the bathroom

Let the waste water department deal with this

Because love does not cover

Repeated negligence.

They Wanted

They wanted me to be quiet
Head down
Shy
To give my silence freely
To mark all things, good and bad, without a word

They wanted me to be short
To blend in
To be inconspicuous
"Don't stand out," they say.

They wanted me to be dumb
To not understand
To let them play tricks
To let them win
To let them do whatever they win

They wanted me to work hard
Too hard
To the point of exhaustion
Without a thought
Without reluctance
For them

But I say what I want
I can't let them rule my words
I will make a joyful noise or an angry shout

I was born to stand out
To be tall
To be seen
To be closer to the sky

The ancestors made me clever
Who am I to forsake them?
Who am I to waste my parents' education?
Why, just because I was born a girl?

Everyone and everything must rest
I am no exception
I will not fall for the deception
That I will break my back
So they will step over my body
I will work for myself

I am my own African woman
So watch me live

First Gen Diasporan

I am who I am

That is complex

Who I say I am

That is complex too

But you

Really don't understand

The complexity

Of being free

To create your own space

Where color and race is erased

Simply because that's all that matters to you

I don't racialize myself

Simply because my melanin speaks for itself

#teamchocolate in winter and #teamdarkchocolate in summer

Sun kissed rays say I am a child of my Bantu ancestors

Although some would fight me for that

I'm not Black, I'm African, they say

I'm not really Ugandan, I'm American, they claim

However, I eat kawunga and Hot Flamins with nacho cheese the same

I know of hood snow cones, sandwich bags of tootsies, Tootsie Rolls and lindazi equally

My heart beats are covered with Afrigo, Franco et le TP OK Jazz, Kaskade and Boyz II Men equally

I am an immigrant kid

My parents flew thousands of miles for college and opportunity

So I sound all Midwestern with an African upbringing

My name holds a few stories

And the weight of Baganda legacy

Yet you fight me for my culture

My experiences

My identity

My roots

I am multicultural

Your basic understanding will not limit me

I reject that

So I find solace

In the space

I have created for myself

To be free

Culturally

To be me.

Wordy Silence

-To Baidy
You ask me how I feel about you
And it silences me
It always catches me off guard
Maybe because
All this time
I have been struggling
To tell you how I feel
It hurts me
How feelings flow off your lips
That you are so sure about me
Even more sure than I am about myself
It hurts me
To be vulnerable
To even write this
But I owe you
You deserve this
So I type
Through the pain in my heart
You have no idea
How much
I want to say
I love you
But I am stubborn
And unsure
My head is fighting my heart
And I want to be sure
Just as sure as you
But my eyes are so blinded
That they only see you
My heart is so full
It can only feel you
My mind is so full
It plays back memories
Of when we are together
All the moments
Conversations
And texts
You make feel cherished
Protected
Cared for
Loved
Your gentleness
Calms me
And stops me in my tracks
You don't have to shout for me or at me
You call quietly
And I have no choice but to come to you
So you ask me how I feel about you
Then there is silence
It is filled with all these words

Gray Promise

My mind can't make sense of this
So I gotta write what's on my heart
Call my world a snow globe
Because you took it in your hands and shook
Who knew how far a smile, a voice, some words could go?
I don't whether I could hug you or shake you
Can't choose between yelling and staying angrily silent
Out of distrust of my words
I'm the kinda girl
Who always dreamed of love
But hated how it felt
Awkward to the core
Just like me
I'm on an emotional overload
Feeling are waves on the shore
As I stand on the beach
Hoping a riptide won't pull me under
And never let me go
Somehow I must learn to trust you
To trust me
But I make it hard
I tend to be guard-ed
Because the sensitive don't live
And the vulnerable always die
But I
Have to be stronger than my emotions
And smarter than my fears
Whether a beautiful promise
Or a gilded nightmare
Either way I have lived

Bare (4/30b)

It’s hard for me

To pretend

I have no poker face

To see me

Is to know my thoughts

My feelings

Reeling

From the masks that we all wear

I have no patience for facade

Blame the only child life

It’s not right

TO waste time pretend

Or to conform

The norm is passé

I’m blasé to what path I’m not follow

The only thing that I have to prove

To the world

Is that I’m special

Whether crazy special or unique special

Is irrelevant

I have suffered many blows

In multicultural society

For my nonconformity

Maturing to the point

Where I appear

Expecting a fight

It’s all right

That my name is different

That I bring paperbacks to Ugandan functions

That I consider myself a womanist

A Pan African

A thinker

A creator

A poetess

That I create my own limits

I am who I am

And that’s all I have time to be